Being Plus Sized

All my life, I've grown up with the idea ingrained in my head that being plus sized is a very bad thing. After I hit puberty in 2nd/3rd grade, I became a chubby kid and I never really lost that weight. For a long time I stayed around the same size, but near the end of middle school and into high school I went up a size. 

I panicked, knowing that I was getting closer to the dreaded plus size section of the store. But not quite, I could still shop in the regular women's sizes. Even the juniors sizes for shirts and such. The only problem was the jeans I wore never fit just right. They were either too big in the legs and too tight in the hips, or they fit my legs just right but then I was left with this super huge waist that looked awful. I couldn't find a pair of pants that were just right. Until the day I decided to venture into Torrid. 

I think everyone knows that Wal-Mart, Target, Goodwill, and other places like that has awful plus sized clothes. They just don't look appealing at all, and it was drilled into my head that I should be disgusted with myself if I ever needed to get those types of pants. 

I walked into Torrid expecting the worst. I went in there hating myself for even considering shopping at a plus size store. But when I tried that first pair of jeans on in the dressing room, holy crap did my opinion change. For the first time in forever, I was wearing a pair of jeans that fit me perfectly. They fit my legs, they fit my hips, and they even made my butt look good! The next pair of jeans I tried on had the same effect, and then I started to have a change of mind. 

I had learned to hate plus sized clothing. I thought that if you had to wear plus sized clothing you were a disgusting person and you needed to lose weight. That's not the case. Very far from it. I don't need a size tag on my clothes to tell me anything. All it means is that I need to shop for that size. It doesn't define who I am, it doesn't tell me that I'm ugly or a terrible person. 

And you know what the most important thing I discovered is? I like being plus sized. I really do. Just because I have a few extra pounds on me doesn't mean I'm not a human being. There are so many plus sized people out there who are stunning and gorgeous and how am I any different from them? Torrid has really fricking adorable clothes and I love shopping there. For the first time in my life, I'm not afraid to shop for clothes that actually fit me. I have plenty of clothes that don't fit me that I wore because it was highest size I could go before I got to plus size. I put them on now, and they are so uncomfortable. Now that I know how absolutely wonderful it is to have clothes that fit me, that flatter my body and make me look good, I know I'm not going back. 

Being plus sized doesn't mean a damn thing unless you tell yourself it does. And that's the one thing I'm still working on overcoming. I have to tell myself daily that it doesn't matter what size I am. After spending so many years believing that being fat was the worst thing a person could be, I have a lot of work to do. Day by day I'm overcoming that way of thinking, and embracing the person I am. Do I want to lose weight? Of course, I think everyone can think of a few pounds they'd like to lose. But I want to focus more on being healthy. I would rather lead a healthy life, and if I happen to lose weight because of that, that's great. But I'm not going to obsess over it like I have been. 

Another thing that has been weighing on my mind lately is that it really sucks that for some people, they have conditions for being friends with/loving someone. If you're so shallow that all you can see when you look at me is the fat on my body, then I want you to pack your bags and leave. If you can't love me as a plus sized girl, I don't want you around. I want to be enough for people. I don't want other people telling me what I should and shouldn't do. 

"You should go work out!" Why? Why should I work out? Is there a reason? Oh, because I should lose weight? Suck it. 

"You shouldn't eat that, it's bad for you." Oh, but you can eat it? It's just as bad for you as it is for me. What's the difference if I eat it vs. you eating it? 

So, to sum this whole big long post up, the whole message I was getting at today is this:

I am plus sized, and I am okay with that. If you can't handle that, or can't accept that fact, I don't want you around in my life. I do not live to please you, I live to please myself.

P.S. Plus sized people are more fun to snuggle with. We're like a huge warm pillow that hugs back. And I have big boobs, so I'll never have to spend a crapton of money getting a boob job. Hah, take that!

9 Months

First of all I'm going to clear up the fact that the title of this post does not actually indicate that I'm pregnant. So family, if you're reading, get that thought out of your mind! 

I had the best surprise of my life this last weekend. Dan was packing his stuff to move back into his dorm, I was home alone because the rest of my family was house sitting for my uncle and I wanted to skype. But he said he was too busy to. On Saturday, I went to work thinking that I wouldn't be able to talk to Dan for a while because he was going to be moving his stuff into his dorm. So I was just sitting at home waiting for my mom to come pick me up so I could go help house sit. They finally got to my apartment and told me they needed my help carrying groceries in because they went shopping.

So I went outside...

Rounded the car...

And saw Dan standing there! 

It was.. the best day ever. I had day dreamed about something like that happening for the longest time. (The last 3 years, to be specific) So we got to spend one last weekend together before school started. And it was wonderful! We didn't have anything planned and we still had a lot of fun. We went out to eat the first night we were there, and then we had both gotten nominated to do the ALS ice bucket challenge so we recorded that together. We got to sleep all curled up and snuggly together, which was my favorite part. 

I wouldn't have traded that weekend for anything in the world.

But he's back at school now, and today was his second day of classes. 

So this marks the beginning of the end. We've been at this long distance deal for 3 years now and the end is finally in sight. We have to get through this next 9 months before we can start taking the next step, and it's going to require a lot of patience. It's not going to be an easy 9 months, but we've come too far to give up now. 

For my sanity, I hope it goes by quickly. 

May 9th, I'm ready for you. I've been waiting for you for a very long time and we're almost upon you. (That's his graduation date, if you didn't put it together yet) 

the gorgeous flowers my love got me while he was here <3

TIOT: The "I Need Reminding" Edition

I was starting to give up. Eating healthy is expensive, I don't have time to go to the gym right now. Why can't this whole weight loss thing wait until I'm ready for it? That's what was going through my head the last few days, until I read Ally's blog this morning.

If I keep telling myself I need to wait for my life to settle down before I really start doing this, it's never going to happen. Life doesn't stop, and it's not going to slow down. I can put off buying a new car, but I can't put this off. It's not something to do once and then be done with it, losing weight is a lifestyle change. And that's something I keep forgetting. It's going to take time, and it's going to take a lot of effort. And as much as I've been writing about not making excuses, I've certainly been making a lot of them recently.

Guys, I love food. I love eating, and I love awesome food. My favorite thing in the world is a nice juicy cheeseburger and fries. And I know that I have to change that. Not to say I won't indulge a little every once in a while, but I need to change my mind before I can start changing my body. That's the thing I need to work on most. I covered this last time, but there is a huge mental part of weight loss, and I'm not there yet. I start thinking about what I will look like one day, and that usually gets me through my workouts. But I need to keep that skinny version of me in my head all the time.

I discovered something about myself this past weekend, and it really kind of got me down. I think a big reason why I want to lose weight is because other people want me to. Whenever I go to my grandparents, I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I'm constantly checking the mirror, making sure I'm sucking in my stomach enough. They constantly monitor what I eat and they make nasty comments if they don't like what I'm eating. My grandma has something against me eating chips. Chips are my favorite snack food. That has to change, I know, but goodness. I'm always concerned with what other people say to me when I eat these foods. Or if I decide to sit down instead of go run around outside with my sisters.

I need to do this for me, because that's the only reason it's going to work. I need to stop thinking about what other people think, and do this for myself. So I'm going to do what Ally did, and I'm going to make a list of reasons why I want to lose weight. Not for other people, but for myself.